It’s been crazy, lately.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Now I no longer have dreams in which you scold me. 

Instead, I have dreams that I just keep on saying sorry to you. 

There were tears, lots of it.

And my heart hurt, in my dream, out of my dream, every second, every day.

Love hurts, they said. But I don’t want that kind of love. 

Yet, the way I love hurts you badly. 

I said you’re the last person I could hurt, still, I did it.

After all the things you did for us, I let you beg for your love. 

Trust me, I hate myself more than you do.

But when I saw you cut your hand, I knew it didn't matter what I felt anymore. 

I need to stay away from you. 

I need to let you live.

I need you…to be you.

So, I will try to stop myself from reaching out to you.

And it hurts, all over again, but I’m rather in pain than seeing you in so much worst, while I couldnt do anything, and I know I’m the reason for all of that. 

So no, I will try to distance myself from you.

And I will stop trying to prove my love.

Even when people say it’s not real, it’s toxic, it’s stupid, irrational, selfish…

Even on days I feel like enough is enough.

And even when you said you can’t feel it anymore, especially then.

I feel it. My heart feels it. And that’s enough.

I will not (again) punish myself for having these feelings. Because,

Only I know that you’re the first person I think of in the morning, and the last person I think of when I shut my mind in the middle of the night.

Only I know that the idea of you, the image of us, the pain…everything is there, existing in everything I do.

Only I know how hard it is to choose to stay away from you.

Only I know. 

But I wish you did know.

Loving you is still the best magical thing that could happen to me.

So no, loving you is never the wrong thing. 

But now, this love hurts every one of us.

So I will step away.

Until the time comes. I hope I still have my chances.

I hope that by then, we’ve healed, and we can love in a healthier, happier, less painful way.

But until then, I’ll keep this love for myself.

But until then, I’ll try to keep the peace for you.

And until then, I still love you, one way or another.

Until you.